Only ME

Things that seem to only happen to me, also known as “Karmic Justice”

For awhile now we have had this faulty door knob issue in the master bathroom (easily over a year).  Well, you know how NORMAL door knobs will turn and engage that latch bolt thingy  that slides into and out of the door frame, and either keeps the door from swinging open at an inopportune time or dis-engages and lets you out? Well, ours only does that dis-engage thing on the second to third turn of the knob- normally.

A little back story for you, about why the hubby will find this a Karmically fitting thing to happen to me, a balancing of the scales so to speak.  He always, ALWAYS shuts the bathroom door until it “clicks”.  It’s as if he is afraid little “potty ninjas” will sneak up on him if his junk is out and steal it or take pictures and post it on InstaGram or something (he says it is because that is what civilized non-hillbillies do. I don’t buy it).  Me,I don’t care.  I am OK with shutting it most-of-the-way. Mostly that is due to the odd shape of our current house, the bathroom is a little hidden.  It is off  in it’s own alcove,  just off of a back corner of the master bedroom giving it a private feel. Very removed from the rest of the house and unless someone is skulking around the outside of the bathroom door, there really isn’t any reason to make sure it is hermetically sealed.

So, when I hear the hubby having a hard time getting out of the bathroom and it sounds like he is two seconds shy of having a complete melt-down- panic- attack about it,  I laugh. I can’t help it.  I know, I am such a mean spirited wife!   The door maybe weighs ten pounds with all the metal hardware and everything, and when you hear a 6 foot tall man turning the knob faster and faster like he is going to absolutely spazz- it is moderately amusing…every time. Especially since I KNOW that he KNOWS I would let him out. Or even if I weren’t there that he could bust himself out of it in no time. So- it adds to the funny for me.

There may be a small factor in the funny equation that alludes to the fact that he stubbornly refuses to fix things that are only “mostly” broken,but that would take me off tangent.

Well, while getting ready for work this morning I decided it wasn’t so funny anymore.  One of our German Short Hairs thinks that it is his sworn duty to make sure all doors remain open and subject to his visual approval at all times when humans are present (or at least me), so after the second time of shooing his long black nose out of the bathroom, I shut the door. Until it clicked, and he wouldn’t be able to push it open. BAD, bad idea.  Hubby left for work, daughter is at a friends house, and our teenage son could sleep through an earth quake.

So, there I am- turning and turning and TURNING that GOD-DAMNED Knob and watching the bolt remain completely stagnant. Not a single movement made by that effing thing, no matter which way I turned that fucking knob or how hard. So, then I think- ha! Maybe Jimmy is holding the door knob and getting back at me! Well, after the first few minutes I knew that wasn’t the case.  One, he isn’t that mean.  He has a  mean streak, don’t get me wrong- but he knows that mine is WAY bigger ,more violent, and can hold a grudge longer.  So he generally doesn’t “poke the bear”. Two, he could be marginally sure that if I were late to work he would PAY, and pay BIG. Because I am just not a nice person when I am crossed.  Sad, but true.  I can be a bit of a dick.

That leaves me locked in the bathroom, with him NOT pranking me and a comatose teenager as the only other person in the house. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Best part is that I don’t want to bust down the door, because TEN YEARS ago when I got locked in the garage I may have used a bit too much force and we had to replace the door jam, and I STILL hear about it.  Which then has me looking at the window and wondering which would be least expensive to replace? Because of course the window in the bathroom isn’t really a window, but just a weird glass covering that lets in light. AWESOME.

That little back and forth went on for a good ten minutes- which feels like HOURS when you need to get gone for your lovely hour long commute to work.  Finally, finally I try the knob again, and first turn- swings right open. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!

On my way in to work I Google Speak texted him a message (which is why it is so weird). As you can tell he felt terrible for me.:


What the hubby says


What I was afraid was going to happen after five minutes

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