What changes within the body in the late 30’s turning into 40’s that makes sleep so elusive? Is it the constant evolution of hormonal patterns common in (clutch the pearls, Ethel!) middle age? Is it the nagging echoes from constant aches and pains caused by ever-rigorous exercise in the attempt to retain some segment of youth, beauty and vitality? Or could it be that EVERY GAWDAMMED TIME the hubby overindulges he makes ridiculously irritating “puh,puh, puh” escaping of air noises punctuated by deep, guttural snorting, growly snores in his sleep? The only thing that would make this concert of aggravation worse- would be if he had intermittent machine-gunning farts at the same time.
These awesome new guttural emittances only happen on two occasions: 1. He has eaten an assload of pasta- is horrifically bloated, and so must paradoxically sleep on his back in a strange attempt to smother himself, or 2. Has had one too many of the “perfectly concocted” Vanil Stoli & Orange Soda drinks from Jim’s Yellow Cup, and is too drunk and bloated- so must sleep on his back and drive me insane. (Yes, his yellow cup is an international cup of mystery and does have it’s own face book page)
Either way, he gets to sleeps like a newborn pup fat off the teat of his Mama, while I get to listen to the cacophony of noise right next to me, with a pillow over my ear and murder on my mind. I have thus decided this means WAR, sir! The next time that he eats/drinks himself stupid, I will flush the toilet all thirty-seven times that I pee at night. Normally I try to be as quiet as possible so that he can sleep since he has a more physically demanding job than I do, and I know he is exhausted when he gets home- so I spare him the multiple toilet flushes at night (gross, I know. But 1. I live in a desert- I am conserving water, and 2. Trying to be nice and not disturb his well-earned slumber). Well, not today Sir! Not TODAY!
***Side note- Yes, I understand that some people have physical ailments that make breathing a difficult endeavor- and thus causes snoring. This however, is a completely different situation that is only an issue when overindulgence occurs. That and the fact that he tries to eat like he is 18, with a teenage metabolism- and that is not the case any more, causing weight gain…and ALL Of it in his stomach area. Which we all know is the worst place to be heavy.
Although I am trying to deal with the issue at hand with humor, his health is starting to be affected. I will NOT let him graduate to a C-pap machine when all he needs to do is learn how to eat less crap, and more nutritionally dense food. He may make me nutso- but I love that snoring bear and I want to keep him around as long as possible.***