Death by Cubicle · Lessons Learned

What sort of depraved cretin steals someone else’s breakfast?

Most mornings I actually make myself a  fairly healthy breakfast of eggs, spinach and/or avocado and tomatoes. If I am not wanting eggs then I will do a fruit & protein smoothie or if I am feeling “froggy” a PB & J on wheat bread.  However, there are times that I either space breakfast altogether or that it takes an inordinate amount of time to “tame the ‘beast” (which is one of the nicer terms I have for my frizzy mess of hair) leaving me no time to cook or slap anything together so I pick up frozen breakfasts for those days (Mostly they are called “Monday”) and leave them in the freezer at work.

Not nearly as good for me as fresh food, but not the worst choice out there- image found on

I tend to buy the Weight Watchers brand frozen breakfast entrees, because they aren’t overly expensive, not too terrible for me and I can freeze them, so I don’t have to overly worry about expiration dates. Bonus? They usually come two to a pack.  Last week I ate one of my two sandwiches, leaving one in the box WITH MY NAME on it.  Well, this morning I arrived at the cube farm starving,  so I figured I would forage the office fridge for my sa’mich and lo and behold- EMPTY.

Granted this is not the first time that I have been the unwitting victim of cuisine crime, but it had been long enough that I forgot what assholes people can be.

Now I have been in the position on more than one occasion that I have had ZERO money to buy a lunch and only have the food I brought with me from home. Which is why I find such behavior unthinkable and detestable.  Has the person that took my breakfast ever encountered that? How do they know that wasn’t the case when they took my boxed breakfast?

Were they out of food and money at the time they stole my breakfast? If so, a short IM to ask if I cared if they ate my sandwich would have been a totally different matter.  I have obviously not skipped many meals in my lifetime, and could probably go without a few from time to time, but for someone else to take that choice from me is disheartening.  Had that person asked- even if I did not have the funds to replace it, I would have happily given it to them.  Because clearly that would have been the right thing to do, and the choice was mine to make.  But seriously, what kind of weirdo is OK with stealing someone else’s food?  What if they had gotten caught?  I mean, my name is not a common one and it was written in hot pink marker right across the top of the box.  Who wants to be labeled the “food thief”, or “cuisine criminal” or a real “Office ASSHOLE”?  AND how,  just HOW could you be comfortable with yourself knowing that someone may have seen you eat something that wasn’t yours? How can you be OK with eating/taking something that wasn’t yours?

It is just sad when children (Even dogs know! They look guilty as hell when caught, but they KNOW) know better than grown-ass adults to not take what isn’t theirs.

Either way I hope you are allergic to something in that sandwich, and you go into anaphylactic shock. Choke on your lack of decency and morals.
Well played. Some exlax brownies would also be a great idea.

Above image found on :

Sad to see this is apparently a very common occurence

This is my personal favorite.  All she needed to add was a small tube of lube and a “Go fuck yourself”.

I can’t help but wonder WHAT treats? The standard spittle on a salad? Maybe some fresh fecal mist frosting?  Perhaps a bit of pee with the peas? HMMMM


3 thoughts on “What sort of depraved cretin steals someone else’s breakfast?

  1. Wow. Pantry Pirates. Yarrr… Karma needs a little push sometimes. I saw the sparkle letter the other day.

    You take a letter fill it with those little sparkles that you use for crafts and they go everywhere. Fold it, then envelope, put on their desk, bam sparkly revenge when they open it and a scarlet A on their neck.

    You could also use corporate camo.. Hide behind a fake bush and wait. walk back and forth like you are looking for the office supplies or the fax machine.

    Cameras are cheaper every day. place one in the box. once the sandwich was moved you’ll have the culprit on film.

    Hide like a ninja on top of the fridge.

    Go to the break room many times a day and threaten people at random with your stapler, while screaming ‘I KNOW IT WAS YOU!” Shoot off a couple of staples to show them you mean business.

    Obtain a human head. Put it in a bag with your name on it. Let hilarity ensue.

    Hoped these ideas helped. I like your style!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Pantry pirate. Damn. That is a good one. I did see a food container that actually LOOKS MOLDED. That is a stroke of genius. You know those “I eat glitter for breakfast” shirts? That would become literal. HMMM.

      Thanks, if I wasn’t so hungry right now that would be down right hi-larical.


      1. Why are you hungry? I bet there is a whole refrigerator filled with food somewhere in the cubical dungeon.

        Your next article could be you getting inside the head of the break room snack snatcher!

        What is it like? Exciting? The fear of being caught with someones cheese and crackers (do they still put that little red thing in there to spread the cheese?) Living a lie. Looking that person in the eye knowing you ate it. It’s dark and dangerous, it’s those moments that make life worth living :p

        Liked by 1 person

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