Today's Rant- The Minivan Menace

People suck

I have a deep and persistent mistrust for anyone driving a minivan.  Generally this would be because that mistrust is reinforced on a daily basis while driving in traffic. I don’t know if it is because minivans must have a plethora of blind spots, therefore hindering a “good” driver’s ability to see other vehicles and maneuver accordingly, or that the minivan is generally stock piled with several children, usually awake and noisy, dividing the driver’s attention between the road and their passengers, or the multiple electronic devices on board that may or may not be blaring Disney movies which further hinder said driver’s ability to concentrate on anything outside of their own atmosphere.  Don’t know what it is, and quite frankly don’t care.  I am tired of the constant evasive maneuvers that are necessary when any one of these land yachts roll out into traffic.  If you can’t see, hear, or concentrate- then do the rest of the world a favor and STAY THE FUCK HOME.

Case in point. Yesterday I went to get some bottled water in the little shopping center by my house.  It has a Tuesday Morning, Dairy Queen, a Vegan vitamin shop, and an Organic & Asian market along with my beloved little “Water Well”.  As you can imagine, that means that it has an overwhelming number of soccer moms in SUV’s and the dreaded “Minivan Menace” (Don’t get me wrong- sometimes the SUV drivers are complete idiots as well, just not on a consistent basis like the minivans).

The area in front of the water store sort of Y-necks out to the Dairy Queen and the entrance/exit from the parking lot.  Because there are no lines drawn  in the parking lot dictating to the fucktards what side of the road they should be on, there is a steady stream of people blocking traffic because they are on the wrong effing side of the road (which is usually DEAD CENTER). To be fair, it isn’t always a van- stupid people like to drive many different types of vehicles. But it is more often than not.

Yesterdays incident had me so livid that I am shocked and amazed that I did not wind up in a jail cell.  I actually felt the red haze of rage cloud my brain, and could see it begin to cloud my vision. That would not have been good for her.  Did I get that mad because she hit my car? No. I got angry because she cheekily shouted “Sorry” while she corrected and blasted past me, and then out of the parking lot.  I am no cop, but I would assume even if there was no actual damage done to my vehicle, if you hit someone and then drive away at a fast pace that you were involved in a hit and run.  Luckily I know the difference between a brief, but satisfying fantasy of pulling that sorry bitch out of her van by her hair and then attempting to choke some sense into her and the reality of what would happen if I did. So, win for me.

Minivan Incident

I can shake it off now, but yesterday afternoon it took me a long time to go from boil to simmer.  Once I got over the white-hot rage, and checked to make sure there really was no damage to my car. (She hit my mirror with her front bumper and besides me getting a close up look at the bugs in her grill as she popped my mirror into my car.  Scared the shit out of me, since my car sits so low to the ground.  I was eye level with her grill as it was aimed right at my driver side window, and pinned up to a curb with nowhere to go.) But the mirror wasn’t broken, and I wasn’t squashed.  Everything was OK, no scratches or anything) All I could think about was all of those kids in her car, ranging from about 3 or 4 years old up to maybe 9 or 10…None of the ones that I could see were in car seats or seat belts. They were literally running around the inside of that van. Even if she was just running to DQ for some ice cream cones for the kids, and she lives in the neighborhood, that is still dangerous, and moronic.  As far as I am concerned she should be sitting in a jail cell for hit & run, and endangering the lives of however-the-fuck-many kids she had in that tank. I mean, who does shit like that?!?!

She was obviously educated enough to be able to snag either a well paying job, or a hubby that has a well paying job, thus enabling her to buy a new Town & Country and be the menace to the road that she is. Those things are NOT cheap. I also know that they are LOADED with seatbelts. She just chose to not use them. Every one of those kids were small enough to need to be in car seats.  She wasn’t so young that she could claim being “young and stupid”, she looked to be around my age. Clearly she is a bad driver, but the lack of restraints on children isn’t just a dumb choice, that is just bad parenting. It is also illegal. Hell. People put their dogs in carseats and seat belts! (interesting side note- Stephen King was hit by a Dodge MINIVAN in 1999 while walking in Maine because the driver was attempting to control an unrestrained Rottie. )

Found on

Thankfully I went running yesterday at lunch, so I had burned off a good portion of “crazy” already, and was able to rationalize out my options and not let any “road rage” incidents occur.  It may have also helped that the man in the truck behind her, that witnessed the whole thing quickly whipped his truck in between me and the rapidly retreating van, hindering any ability to give chase. I assume my lips were easy to read, the possible bodily threat was clear and he could see that there was no damage evident.  All speculation on my part about his motivation- but having that added barrier was a good thing. I think. So, thank you Mr. Good Samaritan for talking me down.  It is appreciated. Sorry that the rage cloud in my brain refused to let me remember your name.

Interesting. Look at all the blind spots in the diagram above. Then look at all of the SEAT BELTS in the picture below.  Yes, the picture displayed is an older model, but I assume the basic layout is the same.

Minivan Seat count

This was the image I had flash in my head while I was staring down her grill. Thankfully she was able to correct the van quickly and she only clipped my mirror instead of piledriving into my face.

Honestly it wouldn’t have been this bad as she was probably only going 15-20 mph. The angle of it had me freaked out pretty good. And, well, I have to vent. When I vent it helps to provide visual aids.

Image courtesy of The van is an older model, and the car isn’t the same as my little Focus- but you get the idea. The scale is about the same.





Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s